i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
