So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
