Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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