I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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