allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
