I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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