my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
