Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
