How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
