Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
