Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
