I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
