soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
