On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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