I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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