He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
