I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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