It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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