dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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