So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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