I bet he comes in French.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
