he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
