I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
