just tell him i said nine months
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
