then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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