Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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