I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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