I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
