Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
