ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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