my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
