i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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