Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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