fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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