I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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