You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
