I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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