Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42ā€¯ tv lol
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
