her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
