Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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