There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
