I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
