dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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