apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Even my vagina gasped.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
