Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
