I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
