If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
