he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
