This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
A+ Viking dick
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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