were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
