Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
