I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
