Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
