you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
this hospital has no fireball
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
