you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
